The Pakora Chronicles: Causes, Excuses and Voldemort

Disclaimer: All the pictures used for this post DO NOT belong to me. The literary genius, however, is all mine.

This is a pakora.

A pakora , aside from being a fried,  delicious and gas-causing snack, is how today’s incident began. Before I narrate that to you, I should probably explain that I’m in love with my mother’s stomach. Sounds creepy? She thinks so too. Anyways, I spent my entire childhood clinging to it for comfort and since I seem to be showing no signs of growing up, I don’t know why I should stop.                                                              

Me: Artist’s (read: Mummy’s) Representation

Now, you must understand that ours is a religious family and since it is a Sunday, we had religious resolved to eat pakoras , after which we would nap – once again, religiously. Mummy was just about to fall asleep when I crawled into bed, between her and Daddy. Oh, no, no, no. Don’t feel sad for them. They absolutely love it. Right, Mummy and Daddy?

Right?

Hello…?

How I Think They Feel

How They Actually Feel

I had just crawled in and thrown my hands around my Mummy’s rumbly tummy, when she said, “No, Shiru, let go of my stomach.” When asked why (with puppy eyes and pout-y lips), her answer was, “I’ve eaten too many pakoras.”

Now, really, what kind of excuse, what devilry is this? Nevertheless, disheartened and tummy-less, I have retreated to my room where I write this post from. My broken heart has been instantly mended for I have realized Mummy’s genius!

Imagine: what if the answer to any question is “I’ve eaten too many pakoras “? I swear, by God, that the next time somebody asks you for something, just use this brilliant excuse. Don’t believe me? I don’t mind. I’m prepared for it. Come, let’s look at a couple of scenarios where the Pakora Excuse can be used.

1. In case you’re a secret agent and you suspect that the eye-patch-wearing, bald baddie who’s leading you to his dinning room is actually leading you into a trap, you can always excuse yourself. Why? Because you’ve eaten too many pakoras. Even the coldest villain will sympathize with someone who’s eaten to many pakoras. Just remember to flush multiple times if you really want to sell the story.

That’s How Fast You Have To Run After Too Many Pakoras

2. Its your best friend’s birthday and you totally forgot about it. Worse, your pockets are too empty to buy a nice, big, show off-y gift to make it up to them. What do you do? What do you do? Go jump on your motorbike and zoom off into the sunset. If the police constable stops you for speeding, just tell him you’ve eaten too many pakoras. Not even the most hardened policemen will be able to hold back their tears as they let you go scot-free.

This Is The Kind Of Sympathy You Get After Eating Too Many Pakoras

3. Its been a long weekend. You’ve partied all night long. Now its Monday again. Your house is trashed. There’s a life-size balloon of a clown hanging from the fan. The life of the party’s lying on your couch in their own puke. Your floor has vanished. Its been replaced by bottles, fallen furniture, garbage and snoring people. You know you’ve got to clean it all up. Just the thought of it makes you tired. You’re already so exhausted that you don’t want to get out of bed. Here’s what you do: call the boss and tell him/her that you’ve eaten too many pakoras. Paid leave, guaranteed!

This Is What Your Boss Thinks You’re Doing After Eating Too Many Pakoras

4. If your teacher ever asks you why only half your homework is complete, don’t be shy.Don’t go for stupid excuses like, “Oh, but miss, the dog ate my homework!” Yeah, right. Instead, just do as I say. Stand up tall and proud and announce to the world that you’ve eaten too many pakoras (and there’s nothing better than a slightly pungent, onion-tinged fart for added effect). Don’t worry about school. They’ll give you a week long leave out of fear of sending the rest of the school into a coma.

This Is What People Around You Need To Wear After You’ve Eaten Too Many Pakoras

5. You’re at a movie with your friends. The interval is on. You’ve downed a little too many foam cups of cola in the first half. They’ve all gone and collected at the epicenter, i.e., thy bladder. Now you’re rushing to the washroom. But what do you see? A line as long as the River Nile has formed in front of that lone cubical you desperately need to visit. You’re this close to doing it in your pants. So, what do you do? Simple. Just tell everyone you’ve eaten to many pakoras. You’ll be relieved in no time.

This Is How The Line At the Ladies’/Gents’ Room Parts When You Say You Eaten Too Many Pakoras

6. Those pesky relatives are here again. Your parents want you to come out of your room and say hello to them. You don’t. You know what will happen. They’ll lick their palms and try to straighten up you oh, so carefully designed untidy hair-do. They’ll comment on how much you’ve grown, even though you saw them just last week. They’ll tell you about how their kid cracked the IIT/IIM/PMT exam. Or how much their kid earns every month. Don’t want to sit through the ordeal? Just yell out from your room, loud enough for everyone to hear, and tell them that you’ve eaten to many pakoras. You’ll probably never see them (or anyone else) again.

What You Look Like To Your Relatives After You Tell Them You’ve Eaten Too Many Pakoras

7. You’re taking the train to school/college/office. As expected, its so full that you can’t even breathe. Some bloody mosquito finds the opportunity and bites you on the neck. But you can’t scratch the bite because you can raise either arm to your neck without looking like you’re trying to grope people around you. How do you scratch that damned itch? Just groan. The louder you groan the more it helps. Get everybody’s attention towards you. Then, cursing aloud, ask yourself why, oh why did you eat so many pakoras. Within seconds people pull the emergency cord. The train will make an unscheduled halt and everyone in the compartment will jump out. Anything’s better than risking inhalation of your natural gases.

This Is How The Compartment Will Look After You Tell People You’ve Eaten Too Many Pakoras

8. You’ve just watched Rang De Basanti and you feel horribly patriotic. You’ve decided to join the army. But they just won’t let you it. So what if your stomach is bulging and you’re blind without your glasses? Its your passion to serve the country that matters. But these official kinds of people never understand that. Never fear, my child. Just go to the first uniformed person you see, look them in the eye and tell them that you’ve eaten too manypakoras. Within minutes, you’ll be standing at the border with your back towards the enemy. You’ll be a war hero.

What Your Army Thinks You Can Do After You Tell Them You’ve Eaten Too Many Pakoras

9. You’ve just been out on a date from hell. Not only is your date “in-between-jobs for the last, like, umm, four-five years” (flat broke) but is also “trying out a new perfume” (unwashed). You’ve paid the entire bill. You’ve listened to the whole sob story about how life was unkind to them. You’ve tried to compliment them and restrained yourself from axing their head off while they weren’t looking. Now, they’ve tagged along with you to your front step and they just won’t take no for an answer. As much as you’d like to cause them bodily harm, you’re a good person. You don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings (or privates) and guess what? You don’t have to. Just tell them you’ve eaten too many pakoras. You’ll have a restraining order against you by next morning.

This Is What You Look Like To Your Date After You Tell Them You’ve Eaten Too Many Pakoras

10.Your parents were out of town. You invited your friends over. Your friend brings a friend over. Who is it? Surprise, surprise! Its that one dope-head you all know; and what do dope-heads always carry? That’s right. So you’re all sitting in your room, passing along the bong and you don’t even realize when you passed out. The next thing you know your Mummy is shaking you and asking about the strange smell in your room. You look around. Everybody’s gone. You’re out of excuses. Ah, but are you? Just tell Mummy dearest that you’ve had a little too many pakoras. Nobody’s going to dare knock on your door after that. Nobody but Voldemort, that is.

Even Voldemort Knows Something’s Wrong When You’ve Eaten Too Many Pakoras